Pizza Girl part three
Today I was attacked again - the guy wanted the money I was carrying. He was waving a knife around, but it was a dinner knife and he looked really stupid with it. "OK, OK," I said, "My life isn't worth the cash I'm carrying, it's on the bicycle, I'll just get it." But also on the bicycle was my hockey stick, and that's a yard long. I unclipped it, and swung at his head, as one does. He ducked, of course, but I caught him a good one on the shoulder. He yelled "Bitch" and came at me with the knife, but I got him on the left ear with the second swipe of my stick, and he staggered. Why a hockey stick, you might be wondering. Because a baseball bat looks like a weapon, but a hockey stick looks like sports equipment. Which it is, and I've had plenty of practice with it. So he was still coming at me with his cutlery, so after I'd bounced my hockey stick off his left ear, I did a follow through, spun round and smashed my weapon into his right ear. Now he was dazed, but he still had his knife, so I lined up carefully and whacked his right hand, cracking his knuckles and causing him to drop the blade. Now he was disarmed, I suppose I could have just got on the pizza bike and rode off, but my blood was up and I wasn't going to stop now. The standard strike with a hockey stick is, of course, to the shins, followed by an "Oops, sorry about that!". So I took careful aim, raised the stick and brought it down as hard as I could. There was a satisfying "Crack!" and I knew that my assailant was finished. So I put my hockey stick back on its bracket, got on the pizza bike and rode off into the sunset. Or I would have, but it was night time so I rode off into the moonlight. |
|||
attacked
money
carrying
waving
knife
dinner knife
stupid
life
cash
bicycle
hockey stick
yard long
unclipped
swung
head
ducked
caught
shoulder
yelled
bitch
left ear
second swipe
stick
staggered
baseball bat
sports equipment
practice
cutlery
bounced
follow through
smashed
weapon
dazed
right hand
cracking
knuckles
drop
blade
disarmed
pizza bike
rode off
blood
standard strike
shins
oops
sorry
aim
raised
hard
satisfying
crack
assailant
finished
bracket
sunset
night time
moonlight
|
|||
Price: 8.00 |
|
Pizza Girl part two
Revenge is a dish best served brass monkeys, unlike pizza. So, the next time I see Eric, I use my Pizzagirl power to step on the pedals and catch up with him. I silently approach from behind, and blast him with my compressed air powered horn, sounding at 130 decibels just like a 56 ton 18 wheel truck mere inches behind him. He was suitably startled, swerved, wobbled, wobbled some more and went down, making a very satisfactory scrunching sound as he hit the deck. "Good morning, Eric," I called out merrily as I sailed past. Karma soon caught up with me - it started raining. Cats and dogs. So I reacted the way I always do - I got wet. But the pizza was safely tucked away in my insulated pannier, and I was able to deliver it, still hot. I stood there looking like a drowned kitten while the customer fetched some bread, which wetness I believe contributed to the handsome tip he gave me. Another contribution might have been the way that my wet shirt clung to my thrupenny bits. I'll take whatever I can get, except getting stiffed. |
|||
Revenge
dish
brass monkeys
pizza
Eric
Pizzagirl power
pedals
compressed air
horn
decibels
truck
startled
swerved
wobbled
scrunching sound
Karma
raining
wet
insulated pannier
hot
drowned kitten
customer
bread
handsome tip
wet shirt
thrupenny bits
stiffed
|
|||
Price: 8.00 |
|
Pizza Girl part one
Yes. I deliver pizza. Because someone has to, and I need a job. With the economy how it is post-Brexit (I still don't understand how we got conned into that) well-paying jobs are as rare as hen's teeth. So I'm a pizza delivery girl. And I'm Pizzagirl because a weird accident happened with the pizza microwave plus pineapple plus anchovies, which should normally never come in contact, let alone on top of pizza. Superman came from Krypton, Batman came from Gotham City, Wonder Woman came from Themyscira. I come from Neasden in London. Superman has superpowers because he's Kryptonese, Batman because he spends a lot of money on gadgets, Wonder Woman because she's an Amazon. Me? See above - the accident. Superman, Batman and WW all have secret identities, so when the accident happened, I realised I needed one. Because superheroes don't get paid. Can you imagine? Superman swoops down and saves a falling woman and then invoices her for $600. Wonder Woman worked part time at Taco Whiz and takes home minimum wage. No chance. So for my secret identity, I put on a pair of plain glass spectacles, because apparently that's all you need. But to be totally sure of secrecy, I also wore my hair in a ponytail instead of the falling locks that Pizzagirl wears. |
|||
pizza delivery
job
economy
Brexit
Pizzagirl
accident
microwave
pineapple
anchovies
Superman
Batman
Wonder Woman
Neasden
London
superpowers
gadgets
Amazon
secret identities
superheroes
glass spectacles
ponytail
|
|||
Price: 8.00 |
|
Pizza Girl part three
Today I was attacked again - the guy wanted the money I was carrying. He was waving a knife around, but it was a dinner knife and he looked really stupid with it. "OK, OK," I said, "My life isn't worth the cash I'm carrying, it's on the bicycle, I'll just get it." But also on the bicycle was my hockey stick, and that's a yard long. I unclipped it, and swung at his head, as one does. He ducked, of course, but I caught him a good one on the shoulder. He yelled "Bitch" and came at me with the knife, but I got him on the left ear with the second swipe of my stick, and he staggered. Why a hockey stick, you might be wondering. Because a baseball bat looks like a weapon, but a hockey stick looks like sports equipment. Which it is, and I've had plenty of practice with it. So he was still coming at me with his cutlery, so after I'd bounced my hockey stick off his left ear, I did a follow through, spun round and smashed my weapon into his right ear. Now he was dazed, but he still had his knife, so I lined up carefully and whacked his right hand, cracking his knuckles and causing him to drop the blade. Now he was disarmed, I suppose I could have just got on the pizza bike and rode off, but my blood was up and I wasn't going to stop now. The standard strike with a hockey stick is, of course, to the shins, followed by an "Oops, sorry about that!". So I took careful aim, raised the stick and brought it down as hard as I could. There was a satisfying "Crack!" and I knew that my assailant was finished. So I put my hockey stick back on its bracket, got on the pizza bike and rode off into the sunset. Or I would have, but it was night time so I rode off into the moonlight. |
|||
attacked
money
carrying
waving
knife
dinner knife
stupid
life
cash
bicycle
hockey stick
yard long
unclipped
swung
head
ducked
caught
shoulder
yelled
bitch
left ear
second swipe
stick
staggered
baseball bat
sports equipment
practice
cutlery
bounced
follow through
smashed
weapon
dazed
right hand
cracking
knuckles
drop
blade
disarmed
pizza bike
rode off
blood
standard strike
shins
oops
sorry
aim
raised
hard
satisfying
crack
assailant
finished
bracket
sunset
night time
moonlight
|
|||
Price: 5.00 |
|
Pizza Girl part two
Revenge is a dish best served brass monkeys, unlike pizza. So, the next time I see Eric, I use my Pizzagirl power to step on the pedals and catch up with him. I silently approach from behind, and blast him with my compressed air powered horn, sounding at 130 decibels just like a 56 ton 18 wheel truck mere inches behind him. He was suitably startled, swerved, wobbled, wobbled some more and went down, making a very satisfactory scrunching sound as he hit the deck. "Good morning, Eric," I called out merrily as I sailed past. Karma soon caught up with me - it started raining. Cats and dogs. So I reacted the way I always do - I got wet. But the pizza was safely tucked away in my insulated pannier, and I was able to deliver it, still hot. I stood there looking like a drowned kitten while the customer fetched some bread, which wetness I believe contributed to the handsome tip he gave me. Another contribution might have been the way that my wet shirt clung to my thrupenny bits. I'll take whatever I can get, except getting stiffed. |
|||
revenge
dish
served
brass monkeys
pizza
Eric
Pizzagirl power
step
pedals
catch up
silently approach
blast
compressed air powered horn
130 decibels
56 ton
18 wheel truck
suitably startled
swerved
wobbled
went down
scrunching sound
good morning
merrily
sailed past
Karma
raining
cats and dogs
reacted
wet
pizza
safely tucked away
insulated pannier
deliver
hot
stood
drowned kitten
customer
fetched
bread
wetness
contributed
handsome tip
wet shirt
clung
thrupenny bits
stiffed
|
|||
Price: 5.00 |
|
Pizza Girl part one
Yes. I deliver pizza. Because someone has to, and I need a job. With the economy how it is post-Brexit (I still don't understand how we got conned into that) well-paying jobs are as rare as hen's teeth. So I'm a pizza delivery girl. And I'm Pizzagirl because a weird accident happened with the pizza microwave plus pineapple plus anchovies, which should normally never come in contact, let alone on top of pizza. Superman came from Krypton, Batman came from Gotham City, Wonder Woman came from Themyscira. I come from Neasden in London. Superman has superpowers because he's Kryptonese, Batman because he spends a lot of money on gadgets, Wonder Woman because she's an Amazon. Me? See above - the accident. Superman, Batman and WW all have secret identities, so when the accident happened, I realised I needed one. Because superheroes don't get paid. Can you imagine? Superman swoops down and saves a falling woman and then invoices her for $600. Wonder Woman worked part time at Taco Whiz and takes home minimum wage. No chance. So for my secret identity, I put on a pair of plain glass spectacles, because apparently that's all you need. But to be totally sure of secrecy, I also wore my hair in a ponytail instead of the falling locks that Pizzagirl wears. |
|||
pizza delivery
job
economy
Brexit
Pizzagirl
accident
microwave
pineapple
anchovies
Superman
Batman
Wonder Woman
Neasden
London
superpowers
secret identities
superheroes
plain glass spectacles
ponytail
|
|||
Price: 5.00 |
|